Commercials that don't make sense: Bad drivers edition

It's been a while since we've talked about commercials that don't make any sense, and I don't know about you, but I've missed it!

My darling little baby daughter enjoys many of life's simple pleasures, but I think what she likes the most is waking up at 5AM every day including weekends. This means that I get to see a lot of terrible commercials as I watch Law and Order at zero-dark-thirty Sunday morning while a baby throws Jenga blocks at my face. The first two commercials I'm going to talk about come from that is-anybody-even-watching-this time slot:

1

Nugenix Testosterone Booster

Does it even matter what this product is or what it does? Does it matter what the commercial looks like?

No, it doesn't. Because the name of the product sounds like "eugenics."

You know, eugenics:

How did no one notice this? How is it possible that a product was created and marketed with a name like that, and at no point did someone realize that "hey, this sounds a lot like something Hitler was famous for. Maybe we should change the name?"

Yeah, maybe change it to something less offensive, like Zyklonia or Aryanix.

The fact that it's a testosterone booster just makes this even funnier.

Sorry about your small penis. :-(

2

Catch Caddy

This product. I just ...

It is a device that you put in your car to catch all the things you drop into the "no man's land" between your seat and the center console. So that they don't fall down under the seat where you can't reach them anymore.



Okay, let's be real here: I have only ever dropped one thing down into that space. It was this cool snake ring I wear on my right hand, and while I was driving I noticed that my finger was still wet under the ring from the last time I washed my hands. So naturally, I pulled my ring up my finger and then dried the wet spot on my shirt, but this caused the ring to fall off my finger and into the dreaded no man's land.

When I arrived at my destination, I got out of the car and looked under the driver's seat. There was my ring. I grabbed it, put it back on, and went on about my day.

What I'm trying to say is, if you've been kicked in the head so many times that you now have a serious problem with dropping things between your seat and the center console -- a serious enough problem that you need to spend actual money on a product to help you out of this situation -- then you probably shouldn't be driving at all. You're a danger to everyone on the road.

Speaking of people who are a danger to everyone on the road ...

3

Infiniti Q50

The guy driving this car is so completely distracted that he nearly causes like five accidents on his way to work. The only reason he doesn't crash is because his car has fancy sensors to tell him to watch out.

If I am driving and have one near-miss, my adrenaline starts pumping and I am in a heightened state of awareness for the rest of my drive. I feel like I can hear the thoughts of all the other drivers, and I know what they're going to do before they do it.

If I were to then have a second near-miss somehow, I would realize that I was probably too impaired to be driving (too tired, too stressed, took too much acid) and I would pull over somewhere and get myself together before continuing. A nice big cup of coffee and five minutes in a parking lot with my eyes closed might be all I need.

If I managed to have five near-misses in one f***ing drive, I would set my drivers' license on fire and take the bus everywhere from there on out.

Seriously, this guy has no business being behind the wheel of a car.

4

Liberty Mutual Accident Forgiveness Commercials

There are a couple of these, but the message is pretty much the same: "lol everyone causes major collisions where they total cars and probably injure people. Why should you be expected to take responsibility for that when everyone does it??!"

Dear Liberty Mutual: I have some bad news for you. NOT EVERYONE DRIVES AROUND CAVALIERLY SMASHING INTO PEOPLE AND LAUGHING ABOUT IT LATER!

JESUS.

In the first one of these commercials, it took me a minute to figure out what was going on. The guy talks about how you just bought a new car and then "out of nowhere, a pickup truck slams into your brand new car." Your car is totaled, and your insurance won't pay for a new car since your car has already depreciated by several thousand dollars simply by being driven off the new car lot. The commercial concludes by asking "why would you have that insurance?"

And I'm like, wait ... why would ... hang on ... wheels are turning ...

If someone crashed into me and they were at fault, then why does it matter what kind of insurance I have? Their insurance will be replacing my totaled car, and that's that. If they only want to replace up to the depreciated value, I can make a diminished value claim and I should come out even. 

So if I'm in a situation where my own insurance is refusing to replace my car and I'm just SOL, then clearly ... I WAS AT FAULT IN THE ACCIDENT.

So now we're singing a different song, aren't we? Here I am, driving around in a brand new car, when "out of nowhere" I cause a collision so violent that my brand new car is totaled. Read: I cause a collision so violent that it causes $20,000+ in damage to my car (yeah yeah, depending on the car, blah blah blah).

And then I'm mad at my insurance company because I'm out a few grand? What?!? You f***ing asshole guy, I bet you didn't even pay for that car! Your parents probably bought it for you, because you are an entitled little shit. You're probably the type to get super mad at me after you crash into me, too. Like it's my fault you ran a red light and T-boned me. 

In the second Accident Forgiveness commercial I've seen, a girl talks about what bullshit it is that your insurance company raises your rates after you "tap the bumper of some station wagon -- no big deal." 

What the f*** kind of attitude is that to have?! YOU HIT ANOTHER CAR WITH YOUR CAR. IT IS A BIG DEAL.

"What good is having insurance if you get punished for using it?"

"I don't understand why driving into other people's cars should cost me any money."

INSURANCE IS THERE TO PROTECT YOU IN CASE OF UNFORESEEN DISASTERS. IT IS NOT THERE SO THAT YOU CAN DRIVE AROUND SMASHING INTO PEOPLE AND JUST MAKING YOUR INSURANCE PAY FOR IT WHILE YOU LAUGH AND SEND TEXT MESSAGES.

F***.

Now I hate everyone who has Liberty Mutual insurance. Keep your cars the f*** away from mine, you bad-driving distracted-ass catch-caddy-having text-message-sending bumper-tapping drunk high teenage shitheads.

Also, I just remembered that the teenager that rear-ended me at 30mph on Valentine's Day, causing over $5K worth of damage to my new car and forcing me to drive a Chevy Impala for two weeks, had Liberty Mutual insurance.

F***ing figures.

How to pick up chicks at the bar: Pick-up line comics

Have you ever wondered what the best way to pick up chicks at the bar is? Well, I would advise against using any of these pick-up lines. Might go badly for you.

The worst fanfic you ever read: PART 2

Make sure you're caught up on Part 1 before trying to read Part 2. Otherwise, you will be absolutely lost. (you'll be lost anyway, though, because none of it makes any sense.)

___________________________

"And how did that make you feel?" the counselor asks, leaning forward and focusing her soft brown eyes on Justin's face.

"How did it make me feel? To see my girlfriend give birth to a baby that clearly wasn't mine? HOW DID THAT MAKE ME FEEL??!" The rage in his voice is undeniable. "It felt like f***ing shit, Dr. Baldwin! What a stupid question!"

"Now Justin, I need you to calm down and lower your voice. We don't want to bring anger into this room."

"This c**t here is the one who brought anger into this room!" Justin shouts, jerking his thumb towards a bored-looking Princess Leia. "Spreading her legs all over town like a whore!"

Leia yawns. "Babe, you said you wanted to try and work through this. But your attitude is pretty terrible."

Justin's eyes fill with angry tears. "My attitude? MY ATTITUDE?? Look at you sitting there, yawning and picking at your fingernails instead of contributing to this therapy session!" He turns back to the therapist. "Dr. Baldwin, she doesn't even get up with the baby! Says she needs to 'recover from birth' and makes me do all the night feedings! For a baby that isn't even mine!"

"Now Justin, remember, we don't want to get all caught up in 'mine' versus 'yours', and we certainly don't want to get bogged down in discussions of little Luke's paternity. We all agreed to that when we first started these sessions. But let's talk a little bit about fair division of labor at home. Leia, do you feel that you are doing your fair share with the baby?"

Before Leia can answer, a pager on Justin's hip goes off loudly. He looks at the screen and groans. "Leia, we need to go. Justice League emergency."

"Shucks!" she announces with a little smile. "I was looking forward to the rest of this therapy sesh!"

"We'll continue this on Thursday, " Dr. Baldwin says as she follows Justin and Leia to the door. "Both of you need to think about a chores list!" she calls after them as they run down the hallway. "Maybe we'll work on making a chore wheel together!"


When they arrive at the Justice League headquarters, everything is in tumult. "Finally, you're here!" Batman exclaims when they enter the big conference room. "We need to go NOW!"

"What's going on this time?" Leia asks.

"It's Gordon Ramsay! He and the cast of Lost have gotten their hands on a North Korean time machine, and they're about to destroy Wilmington!"

"Oh no, not Delware!" Leia cries.

"No, Wilmington Ohio!" Batman corrects her, shoving them towards the doors. "I'll tell you more once we get on the plane!"

"Where is Elmo?" Leia asks, trying to sound nonchalant.

"He was already in Wilmington, so he'll meet us there! Now come on, there's not time for idle chit-chat! Everyone else is already on the plane!"

But there is no time to talk about it on the plane, because the Justice League plane travels at 95% of the speed of light so they arrive in Ohio almost instantly. The League members quickly disembark in the parking lot of the Holiday Inn, a block away from where Gordon Ramsay and his army is making their stand outside a Dairy Queen.

"They're executing historical figures at an alarming rate," Batman tells the gang as they start walking down the street towards the Dairy Queen. "They keep going through the time portal and bringing back noteworthy historical people, and then they just shoot them point-blank with a shotgun! They've announced that they're going to keep killing an important figure every half hour until their demands are met!"

"Oh no, that's awful!" Taylor Swift says. "What are they demanding? And why did we park so goddamned far away? These six-inch heels are terrible to walk in."

"Apparently, Gordon Ramsey is insisting that FOX produce a Lost movie. He hates the way the show ended, and so he wants a movie that does a better job tying up the loose ends!"

"Wait, how did the show end?" Flo from Progressive asks, looking perplexed. "I gave up after the first four seasons."

"I don't know, actually," Batman responds thoughtfully. "I only made it through season two."

"I don't know anyone who watched it all the way through," Justin contributes.

"I wonder what that smoke monster thing was all about," wonders Taylor Swift, tilting her head to the side like a confused dog.

"Wait, didn't they explain that? It was some kind of security system?" Flo says.

"ENOUGH WITH THE F***ING SPOILERS," shouts Leia, shaking her head. "I still might Netflix it! Anyway, Batman, who have they killed so far?"

"Ugh, it's been a massacre! They've pulled Ghenghis Khan through the time portal, and Hitler, and Pinochet, and now they're threatening to nab Vlad the Impaler and kill him before he gets a chance to torture and murder all those people!"

Flo stops walking and puts a hand on Batman's shoulder, turning him towards her. "Hang on ... those people all sound like jerks that history would have been better off without. Why are we stopping them?"

"Because if they change the past, then they'll change the present as well! Christ, what are you, simple? Haven't you ever seen the Butterfly Effect with Ashton Kutcher? We can't let them murder all those dictators before the dictators have a chance to rise to power! The world as we know it will be completely destroyed!" Batman shakes Flo really, really hard and then punches her in the mouth. She crumples to the pavement. "If Hitler doesn't kill all those Jews, think how many more Jews there will be! Jews everywhere! Is that really a world you want to live in??"

"Whoa, dude," the purple Care Bear says. "That's a super f***ed up thing to say."

"Yeah man," Justin adds. "You can't just walk around saying shit like that."

"Oh whatever, like you're all such great people," Batman says, looking around and seeing all the disgusted faces pointed at him. "He killed a bunch of Gypsies, too," he adds quietly. "Bet you're all secretly thankful for that at least."

"You're awful," Taylor Swift says.

Just then, they arrive in the Dairy Queen parking lot and see Gordon Ramsay standing on a raised podium. "THIS ICE CREAM SUNDAE IS SO MELTED, CLIMATE CHANGE SCIENTISTS ARE USING A PHOTO OF IT TO GET DONATIONS ON FACEBOOK!" he shouts, chucking the sundae at Matthew Fox's face. "GET ME A NEW ONE! I WANT A F***ING PARFAIT THIS TIME."

"Wow, Ramsay looks pissed," Justin whispers as the gang hides behind a corner of the DQ building.

"I still can't believe he managed to get the entire cast here at once," Flo says, her eye slowly swelling shut where Batman punched her. "That must have cost a fortune!"

"You think? I dunno ... I mean, how many of them are working regularly now? I don't see many of them on TV these days," the Hamburglar says.

"Julie Bowen has a great career," Batman hisses. "Modern Family is my fave show!"

"Okay, that's one of them, but what about the rest?" the Hamburglar presses.

"Hey guys," Elmo's voice squeaks from behind them, causing them all to jump. "Are we just gonna stand here, or are we going to kill these bastards and destroy that North Korean time machine?"

Justin Timberlake's face spreads into a wide smile. "Oh, we'll kill some bastards alright," he says, wiggling his eyebrows and winking at Taylor Swift.

"Why are you winking at me?" she asks.


The gang runs out from behind the DQ and stars immediately decimating the Lost cast with samurai swords. Evangeline Lilly gets cut completely in half, and the Iraqi guy gets his head chopped off. The fat guy starts running away, but the Hamburglar catches him easily and chops off his legs with one stroke.

"What the hell is going on here?!" Gordon Ramsay shouts, chucking his parfait into Matthew Fox's face. "Who are these people and why are they killing my cast members?"

"We are the Justice League and we are here to stop you from killing cruel historical dictators! We'll kill as many Lost cast members as we need to until you stop!" Batman shouts, grabbing some random cast member who only had a speaking role in two episodes and slitting her throat from ear to ear.

"You'll never catch me!" Ramsay cries, and then leaps through the time portal.

"Someone needs to follow him!" Leia shouts, running towards the portal.

"I'll get him!" Elmo says, sprinting towards the portal and diving through it.

"Me too!" Justin says, diving through the portal after Elmo.

The Dairy Queen parking lot is total chaos. Lost cast members are being slaughtered right and left, even after they put their hands up and surrender. Women, children, pregnant Australians, even the dog.

But then, things get even crazier. Gordon Ramsay pops back out of the time portal riding a velociraptor and waving a lightsaber around. He starts chasing Batman around and almost manages to decapitate him before Batman manages to leap into the time portal and away from the velociraptor's grasping talons.

The portal opens up again and Justin reemerges, holding hands with a much younger version of himself. The two Justins run up to Leia, who is slowly carving her name into Julie Bowen's back as she cowers on the ground in the fetal position. "Leia," older Justin says. "We want you to be with us. We forgive you for the whole Elmo thing. We just want to be able to be a family. If younger Justin and I both work together, we can easily take care of all the chores and the night-feedings and the diaper changes. You can live like the Princess you are!"

"Plus, imagine the threesomes!" younger Justin adds.

"Well ... you certainly make a good point ..." Leia says uncertainly. "But what about El--"

She is cut off by the sound of Elmo screaming as a T-Rex comes through the time portal with Elmo in its mouth. "Eeeeeeeeeee it's killing meeeeeeee!" Elmo cries. "Help! Help!!!!"

But there is nothing anyone can do, because Gordon Ramsay and his velociraptor are riding back and forth in front of the T-Rex, keeping away anyone who might try to slay it.

Matthew Fox seizes upon this distraction and scurries over to the time portal, gingerly stepping through. Moments later, a giant nuclear warhead flies out and lands in the middle of the parking lot. Matthew Fox comes through right after it, shouting "NAGASAKI, BITCHESSSSSSS!" And then the warhead explodes, destroying all of Wilmington Ohio, the time portal, the entire Justice League, Gordon Ramsey, and the remaining Lost cast members.

Two hours later, Batman walks up, falling to his knees in front of the burned dead body of Flo. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he wails. "WHY DID I ONLY TRAVEL TWO HOURS INTO THE PAST! I COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS!!!!"

But he totally couldn't have prevented it, so instead he just goes home and raises Leia and Elmo's weird baby to be a Jedi Robin or whatever.

The end.