More actors I can't stand!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for another installment of … ACTORS I CAN’T STAND!!!!!

You may recall that last time, we left off with my telling you that I can’t stand Nicolas Cage, but with no explanation as to why I can’t stand him.

Well, I won’t keep you in suspense any longer. Here are more actors that make me want to punch the TV screen:

1

Nicolas Cage

I think I hate Nic Cage for mostly the same reasons that I hate Kevin Costner: he’s got that same doughy, puffy, slack-jawed look of “what the f**k is happening” as ol’ Kevin.

He’s also a terrible actor. I challenge anyone, ANYONE to sit through Face/Off with him and John Travolta without either bursting into laughter or taking an extended bathroom break just to get away from it for a minute. Lo-oord a-mercy, that man sucks.

Oh, I believe you, Nicky. I believe you.

 

2

Hayden Christensen

Have you ever been watching a movie where one of the characters asks another one a question like “do you love me as much as I love you?” and you pretend that they're talking to you so you scream at the TV “F**K YOU YOU ASSHOLE! I HOPE A PIGEON SH*TS IN YOUR MOUTH!”?

This often happens to me when Hayden Christensen is on screen. Something about his voice just grates on me like nails on a chalkboard, or like a rusty dagger dragged across glossy ceramic.

 

 

No, Hayden. I will not do that.

 

He’s a good-looking guy, and I could more-or-less stand him in Life as a House, because it worked for his character to have a gaping vagina and a mumbling problem. By the time he showed up in Star Wars, though, it was over between us. I wanted pigeons to sh*t in his mouth.

3

Charlie Sheen

Long before Charlie Sheen went crazy, I already deeply disliked him. What got me was that he kept getting cast in these roles as a guy who women found irresistible … but dude, have you ever SEEN Charlie Sheen?! He is not, nor has he ever been, attractive.

Ugh.

Terrible.

 

I'm gonna be sick.

He’s got a pinched, womanly but ugly face, ugly hair, he dresses like an idiot, AND his voice grates on me as badly as our pal Hayden’s. So why, why, in God’s name WHY does he keep getting cast as this ladies’ man?! Long before Two and a Half Men, women were supposedly falling over themselves to be with him.

 

Gross.

And you know who else always seems to have women drooling over him despite the fact that he is not the least bit appealing?

4

Tom Cruise

Oh, yummy: a short, unibrowed over-actor with a full set of piano keys in his mouth, which he often shows off by smiling demonically.

He kind of reminds me of the insane cartoon characters.

Aaaaggghhhhhhh!

Let’s complete the set today with another person who I just don’t think is nearly as attractive as everyone else apparently does:

5

Jennifer Garner

Okay, from the neck down, I’ll grant that she’s attractive.

In fact, even her face is very pretty. But there's a problem.

Jennifer Garner … has bitch-face.

Bitch-face, of course, is when your facial structure and resting facial expression is such that you look like a massive bitch, all the damn time. Like there’s a huge stick jammed all the way up your ass, ready to blow at a moment’s notice over the smallest infraction … and that is Jennifer Garner.

Just look at those sarcastic, cruel eyes, brimming with judgment.

I’m sure she’s actually very nice in real life … but I just … I want her character to get slapped by karma all the time for being such a bitch!

 

I mean there I was watching Juno, and I didn’t even LIKE Jason Bateman’s character (seriously, having long chats about indie music with a 16-year-old? Nothing weird about that!) but I still wanted him to be in the baby’s life because THAT POOR BABY IS GOING TO BE RAISED BY A BITCH!

Now, Jesse disagrees with me on this one. He thinks Jennifer Garner is beautiful and he doesn’t understand my problem with her. I guess he must just be attracted to bitches, though – after all, he married me, didn’t he?!

HAAAAAA!!!!!!