Let's play Google!!

Instead of writing up a real post today, I decided to take a journey through the collective consciousness of everyone on the internet.

It was eye-opening. 

Here's what Google suggested for some dangerous autocompletes as I fed it a few loaded questions. To get the maximum amusement out of this, please imagine that one guy is googling all these things. Imagine the kind of life this fellow probably has. Imagine he looks like this:

You want to shop at Target? Do you value your f***ing life at all? Just sit at home and drink urine. You'll be safe there.

For you? Yes, to all of it.

This one got me a little curious, though. What else are people putting in their mouths that they shouldn't be??

Why is everyone so curious about eating feces?!?

I wonder what else we do that is as dangerous as eating rat poison! Let's find out:

I'm guessing "no" but then again I'm not a doctor. o_O

Next, I decided to delve a little deeper into the relationships between men and women. 

Pretty much summed up women right there.

Honestly, it's like poetry!

I think we've got a pretty solid grasp now on how men and women see each other. What changes once they're married?

Oh dear. Sounds like the wives are pretty fed up with their husbands.

Uhh, make that REALLY fed up with their husbands.

But why is everyone so angry??! Why aren't these spouses making each other happy?? Let's find out:

Ahh, I see. The problem is, nobody's getting laid. But why not?

*headdesk*

The strange behaviors of women in public restrooms

When it comes to public bathrooms, women are strange, strange creatures. I'm not talking about the tendency to go to the bathroom in groups to talk smack about people behind their backs, as this is well-documented. No; I'm talking about their actual potty behavior.

They do weird things like ...

Hover

Okay, if a toilet seat is straight-up nasty, I can understand not wanting to sit down on it. I have used a toilet that was in such miserable condition that I didn't dare try to clean it up myself, so I just bent over, aimed my peeper at the toilet bowl, and made the problem worse. I mean at that point, f**k it, right?

Care to sit?

However.

I don't understand people who hover all the time. Even when there isn't a single solitary drop of pee on the seat, they refuse to rest their holy thighs upon it. Because germs, y'all.

Germs.

Okay but here's the thing: germs can't really get inside your body unless they reach some sort of orifice. Skin is pretty well-designed to keep germs out. So if you think germs are going to infect you from a public toilet seat, this means one of two things must be true: either your upper thighs are covered in open wounds (in which case, please PLEASE continue to hover instead of sitting), or else you plan to actually rub your vagina/asshole on the toilet seat. I honestly don't know which is more horrifying, but if the latter statement is true, then please consult some literature about how toilets work because you're doing it so, so wrong.

Gross.

If you're a hoverer, please at least wipe up any pee you leave on the seat afterwards. Don't be a dick.

Conversation time? Peeing? Not a problem!!

There is no time during a pee bathroom break when conversation becomes unacceptable. None. Conversation can begin before going into the stall. It can continue when one person is in a stall and another person is still waiting. It can be between two people who are actively peeing at the time. You can talk louder to be heard over the sound of flushing toilets. In some cases, it's even acceptable to ask someone in the stall to identify herself, if you have reason to believe it's someone you know.

Please note, however, that these rules (which are DRAMATICALLY different from the rules of the men's room), are suddenly thrown out the window the moment BMs enter the picture. Because while complete strangers are content to chat with each other over the sound of their own tinkle, don't even think about letting so much as a fart out of your ass until you are completely 100% alone in that bathroom. (the exception being, of course, five-alarm emergencies on a par with those contained in the Amazon reviews for sugar-free Haribo. There's no time for politeness when your life is on the line)

These bizarre poop-related rules are the leading cause of ...

The Mexican Standoff

(special thanks to reader Ashley M. for reminding me of this phenomenon)

The Mexican Standoff occurs when two women need to poop (usually in a small public restroom -- one with only two or three stalls), but both require privacy, so each decides to hunker down in her stall and wait for the other to leave the bathroom.

But of course, since they both have to poop, and neither can go while the other is present, the Standoff can last indefinitely. It is a battle of wills. A battle of bowels. Is it an emergency? Can you hold it? If you leave the bathroom and then come back in ten minutes (thus giving the other lady a chance to complete her business), will anyone notice? As I've mentioned before, my office is home to the bathroom police, so I could not do this. I suppose I could go use the bathroom on another floor, if needed. Not that I've done this.*

*I have done this.

What's funny is that even though both women clearly know what is going on in this situation, it is still socially unacceptable to actually start pooping while the other lady is present. Once the Mexican Standoff has begun, no pooping shall occur until the situation is resolved. If I were involved in a Mexican Standoff and the other woman just let loose, I would be horrified. This isn't 'Nam, lady. The game has rules, and the rules demand that the right to defecate belongs only to the winner. 

Which is so ridiculous. I mean, you both know that you both have to poop. Why can't the two of you just poop already??

BECAUSE WE ARE WOMEN AND THAT'S JUST HOW IT F**KING WORKS.

OOWEE-OOWEE-OOOO ... wah wah wahhhhhhh ...

And let me tell you, there is no greater shame than admitting defeat in the Mexican standoff. Not only do you not get to poop, but you're required by law to then exit the bathroom as quickly as possible (in case someone else comes in and sees you and is like "OH HEY SHEILA!" and then your Mexican Standoff opponent knows your identity and will never again respect you). So you end up feeling backed up, with hands that are still a little soapy and not fully dry. It is the ultimate defeat.

Don't you ever call me out on my hyperbole, Hitler.
EVER.

Blast from the past: A rant about one-ply toilet paper

Originally published September 12, 2012. Man, look how bad the drawings were back then! They're at least 4% better these days.



I hate 1-ply toilet paper. It is a terrible, godless thing that should have gone out with the Soviet Union. But alas, it not only still exists; it exists IN OUR HOME.

As Jesse and I get ready to move, I've been really careful with our purchasing of consumable goods, and one of these tightly-controlled substances is toilet paper. After all, we certainly don't need to transport a bunch of TP across the country with us. So, one day at the store, I grabbed a 4-pack of toilet paper of a different brand than the 12-packs I usually buy, because it was on sale. Oh, you can see where this is going.

When I got home and opened the package to stock the bathrooms with the TP, I discovered that I had accidentally bought 1-PLY TOILET PAPER.

I don't really understand why such a thing exists. Is there anyone out there -- anyone at all -- who actually likes it?

There must be, or stores wouldn't sell it. So I have a few theories about who out there is buying 1-ply toilet paper.

1

People Like Me, Who Buy It Accidentally

You're at the grocery store. You're tired. You're in a hurry. You see that the name-brand TP is on sale for the first time ever, and you decide to treat yourself, just this once. Silly fool; you should have read the label more closely! 

Now you're really up shit creek!

2

Businesses that buy in bulk

I happen to like Industrial Blend Coffee, but that's neither here nor there.

3

Masochists

It's too bad I bought the Kindle version of Fifty Shades, as it would have made GREAT toilet paper.

4

Pranksters

The only time you really benefit from getting twice as much length for the same price (ha). This'll teach that kid with the lazy eye a lesson. WHY DON'T HIS EYES BOTH LOOK THE SAME DIRECTION?!

5

People Who Don't Really Understand Math

He thinks saving money is more important than a satisfying wipe. Must be in college or something. Someday he'll learn that, like hiring a maid or paying for your girlfriend's birth control, certain things are just worth the money.

6

Communists

They just seem like the type.



Did I miss anyone?

And if you're one of the freaks who actually prefers 1-ply over 2-ply, please let me know. After all, I don't want to be associating with Communists.

Stalin will never admit his preference for 2-ply, that symbol of Western decadence!

Friday Poundings: What if the Internet could snark on you for EVERYTHING?

Anything you post on the Internet is out there for the world to see and make fun of. I have long since come to terms with this fact. I bet there's at least one person who has read this blog and thought "this is stupid and I would like to discuss with others how stupid this blog is." That's just what happens when you put yourself out there.

But then I started imagining with horror what the future will look like, as more and more of our lives are immediately posted on the web for the world to see. Oh god ... can you imagine if groups of people could easily get together and make fun of you for ...

Dumb things you do in traffic

Don't even stand there and tell me you've never put on your blinker and started to change lanes, turning to check your blind spot (which you're SURE is empty) as you begin to turn the wheel, only to notice HOLY SHIT THERE IS A CAR THERE and then that car is honking at you and you're jerking back into your lane and your heart is pounding and I almost caused a crash just now.

Luckily, nobody knows about it except you and the other driver, and that person doesn't know who you are and you'll never see them again, so f**k it, right?

Now imagine that your flub was somehow public, and the other driver could not only post on FutureFacebook that "some dumbass almost killed me on the freeway" but could also tag you in that status, making your dumbassery public knowledge.

I guess then I'd either have to stop driving completely, or learn how to drive better. Haha so who's gonna pick me up at the train station at the end of the day? You can't teach a woman how to drive better. That's absurd.

I bet traffic would get a lot better, though. Hmmm. Maybe it's worth the ignominy and shame of having all my various idiocies posted online if it meant getting home from work a little faster!


Offenses you commit in the bathroom

You know what I'm talking about. The kind of offense that is so heinous, you should probably be sent to prison for a minimum of 30 days for committing it.

If it's in a public bathroom, I, like everyone else, flee the scene as quickly as possible and prepare to deny all responsibility. "UGH, it stinks in here right? I can't believe someone did that! That person should be hanged! It sure wasn't me though tee hee!!"

Now imagine if that shit (pun intended) became public. Someone could take a smell-picture with their phone (because the future will have those) and tag you in it on FutureFacebook with the status "looks like Patent shouldn't have had Taco Bell."

Oh lord. I would probably have to just kill myself.


When you buy something horribly unhealthy and eat the whole container, then throw it away in the outside garbage so nobody knows about it

One time when I was on maternity leave, I went to Dairy Queen and got a burger, fries, and a Blizzard. It was so delicious and I ate every bite. And it was so, so fat.

I was ashamed.

Nobody need hear of my gluttony, I thought. It is between me and God. And the baby, but she's too small to talk and I doubt her first words will be to rat me out. So my secret was safe.

But what if it wasn't, and strangers could let everyone know what I did the second I did it??

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!


I bet there's lots of other dumb stuff I do that I wouldn't want the Internet to find out about, but I can't think of them right now so I guess I'll publish this. Let me know if you think of any good ones I've missed!

In the meantime, I think I'm going to go down to the gym here at the office and do a workout. Maybe my "workout" will be to do one set of bicep curls with a 10 pound barbell. How would you know? You wouldn't!! Egads, I hope the future never gets here.  FutureFacebook sounds terrifying.

Also, I would make a really bad politician or celebrity. I can just see it now: 

Babies look ridiculous when they're wearing ...

I feel bad for my baby, because I really spend a lot of time laughing at her. I especially laugh at her when she's crying while dressed in something ridiculous. I mean, a crying baby shouldn't be funny ... but dress that crying baby in a shirt that screams "ADORABLE!" in glitter-writing across the front, and suddenly the irony has me cracking up so hard I worry about accidental bowel movements.

Here are a few things that babies look absolutely ridiculous whenever they wear:

1

Jeans

Oh my god. Baby jeans. Are hilarious.

I dressed Audrey in jeans for the first time the other day, and I laughed pretty much nonstop from the moment I put them on her til the moment I took them off for the night. You see, my baby wears pajamas essentially all the time, due to her proclivity for throwing up on ALL THE THINGS. And yet, even for a baby who is constantly wearing pajamas, the jeans looked a little ... casual.

See for yourself:

No, Audrey. You look like a construction worker.

I think my baby is not alone in this. I just did a google image search for "baby in jeans" and here are a few of the first images that popped up:

I think the problem is that the jeans have to be sized so ridiculously to accommodate a poofy diapered ass that the babies have no choice but to look like Great Aunt Matilda wearing jeans. Which is something I couldn't even find a picture of, because no old woman would be fool enough to allow photos of herself in jeans onto the Internet. Imagine "Mom Jeans" except much, much worse. And that is what a baby looks like in jeans.

Terrible.

2

Shirts that claim the baby loves some particular relative -- while the baby is crying

Whenever I put the baby in a shirt that proclaims her to love her mommy/daddy/grandma/auntie/dog, I always feel a little weird about it because it's not like SHE chose to wear that shirt. It's really me declaring that she loves her relatives, not her.

And when she cries while wearing a shirt like this, it's like she's registering her objection. "I don't really love Daddy at all! Why are you making me wear this??!"

Sorry sis. Better luck with the next one I guess.

3

Dresses without hair bows

Time for some truth bombs here: girl babies and boy babies look the same, and the only way to tell them apart is by their clothing.

Also, all babies look more like boys than like girls, because of their short/nonexistent hair.

I'll give you a minute to quell your frothing rage at these incredibly controversial statements.


So, because all babies kind of look like boys, when a baby girl wears a dress, she kind of looks like ...

A little boy in drag.

Look at this horrendously unflattering shot of Audrey in a Christmas dress:

YIKES.

Now see the difference when I put a little hair bow on her, making it obvious that she is a girl:

Lesson learned, amirite?! Hair bows are a must. Just check out these other photos of babies in dresses that I found on the Internet. For extra yuks, imagine that the babies in the dresses are boys. You will be shocked at how easily your brain accepts this.

OMG suddenly I find myself wondering if the babies in the pictures ARE boys. I mean, if I'm putting pictures in a catalog to sell dresses, what do I care if the baby in the photo is male or female? Not like anybody can tell!!

WHAT IF THEY ARE ALL BOYS?!?!?!

MY ENTIRE LIFE IS BUILT UPON A LIE.

4

When you do their hair up all ridiculous

I mean, come on.

A mohawk? Seriously?

Look, I'm not sayin' anything; I'm just sayin'.

5

Novelty Hats

This one's a "duh." Novelty hats only exist to make babies look hilarious! And naturally, I buy them whenever/wherever I see them, because laughing at my baby is one of life's simplest joys!

 This whole getup is just a laugh riot.

 Santa Popeye.

Shut up and wear your slow-witted elephant hat, child. SHUT UP AND WEAR IT WITH PRIDE.

Also, you'll notice in the last photo that her shirt says "This is what cute looks like." Adjust your definitions of "cute" accordingly.

Nahhh, she's cute. :-)  No matter what she wears!

... I just need to find a better hat.