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Monday, June 22, 2015

The Indignities of Pregnancy: The snack hoard in my office is embarrassing

Feeding yourself properly while pregnant can be a challenge.

For starters, the body needs more food. Not a LOT more food, but still ... 300 calories a day isn't nothing. Especially when you're a healthy eater (which I am. I ate such a big lunch today I actually had a stomach ache afterwards, but it was just chicken breast, wheat noodles and vegetables so MyFitnessPal insists that my stomach-wrecking mondo lunch was only 374 calories).

Okay, so you have to pad your diet with 300 extra calories a day. Too easy, right? But it's not like your stomach capacity suddenly gets bigger. It's not as if I can just add a second chicken breast to two of my meals every day. I would be in so much pain if I did that. And as pregnancy progresses, stomach capacity actually gets smaller as baby takes up your entire f***ing torso with its giant ass.

20 weeks pregnant: Plenty of room for tummy

40 weeks pregnant: Haha f*** you, eat this half sandwich and be too full to move

The result of all this?

Snacks. Snacks are my life now.

And my office is incredibly embarrassing.

I've always been a bit of a snack hoarder. It's just a fact of life when you're someone who eats a lot of small meals throughout the day rather than tossing back 600 calories in a sitting three times a day. But pregnant-me is so completely out of control with the snacks that I almost don't even want to write this post. It's so much more embarrassing than any of the other indignities of pregnancy I've written about before. I have food for sweet cravings, food for savory cravings. I have food for when I want something healthy and food for when I want something with a little more fat in it. I have food for when I need protein. Food for when I need carbs. Food for when I need fiber. Food with just a few calories, for when I need to get through 30-45 minutes until lunchtime. Food with a higher calorie count for when I've still got the whole afternoon ahead of me.

I have literally never been in a position where I felt like my body wanted some particular thing but I couldn't find it in my stash. I have everything.

Last week, someone came into my office while I was out and left something on my chair. That means that they came behind my desk. Which means they saw ... the hoard.

I think I need to resign. There's no way I can continue working here with someone who knows about all the food I have in my office. No. Way.

Just in case you think I'm exaggerating, please enjoy the following list of all the foods that I keep in my office. Please know how much it pains me to put this information on the internet where anyone can see it:

Costco box of individual packets of Goldfish
Empty Goldfish box filled with fun-sized bags of Utz potato chips
Lunchbox with full meal brought from home each day
Costco box of Kashi granola bars
Costco box of individual packets of Bunny Grahams
Special K high-fiber brownies (3 boxes)
Special K Pasty Crisps (3 boxes -- different flavors)

File Drawer 1:
Pop Tarts -- 3 varieties
Large bag of Craisins
Box of crackers
Box of Kashi granola bars (different flavor from the ones under the desk)
Bag of chocolate Easter eggs
Hot sauce
Luna Bar protein bar
Box of Nature Valley granola bars

So much oatmeal (3 different flavors, both regular and steel cut)
PUDDING, BITCHES -- butterscotch and chocolate flavor
Fruit cups -- one package of pears and one package of peaches
Costco bag of almonds
More Kashi bars -- two boxes of different flavors
Bag of Hershey kisses (for when the Easter eggs run out)
Nutri-grain bars -- apple flavor
1 cup of Jell-o (OMG better put Jell-o on the shopping list! I'd hate to run out)
An incredible amount of shame

IN THE REFRIGERATOR (you thought we were done, didn't you?):
Sharp cheddar cheese sticks
Light string cheese
2 boiled eggs

Ziploc bag full of homemade turkey-and-vegetable meatballs
Holy shit I forgot those were in there
BRB need to heat up a couple of them
OMG these are so good
How did I manage to forget about them
They're so tasty
Everyone in the office is jealous now because this whole place smells incredible
What should I have for dessert?
I'm thinking Easter egg
Being pregnant is awesome.

Also, today when I arrived at the office, the break room looked like this:

This happens a lot, and I take something (maybe a cookie or two, or a muffin if I'm REALLY hungry) every time it does.

I may have a problem.

Past issues of "The Indignities of Pregnancy" (which are mostly from when I was pregnant with Audrey like 37 years ago):

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